you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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