Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
