In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
