I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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