It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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