I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
