Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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