I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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