i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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