end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He better not be in your backpack
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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