Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
