you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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