i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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