I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
