I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
