dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
