So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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