If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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