so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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