You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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