so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
there is puke in my bra ... again
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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