So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
