she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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