I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
