i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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