just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
only you would photoshop your dick
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
