Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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