chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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