I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
