I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
