You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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