You made me cry and you don't even care
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
