HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
