I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
