someone get that fucking seahorse.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
