i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
