Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
