there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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