while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
