o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
