My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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