All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
