the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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