Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Houston, we have a squirter
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
