Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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