someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
