Cold hands, warm shart.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
