Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
