the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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