sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
