if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
