he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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